Toys are a fundamental part of any child’s development; toys will teach your child that they are little more than consumers, that buying things equates to happiness, that everything they love can potentially be broken and that batteries are rarely ever included. But if you love your child, if you really love your child, you’ll be more than willing to take out a bank loan in order to buy them a single toy. Sure, you’ll spend most of your natural life trying to pay it off, but I’m sure your children will appreciate that while you’re dodging bill collectors and rummaging for change in the gutters outside of Blockbusters.
Some people play video games, but those people are chumps. Why work hard trying to rotate the L-piece when you can have the game working hard for you?
The company Aspreys of London makes the world’s most decadent Gameboy system and it can be yours for only twenty-five thousand dollars. Why so much for an old video game system? Because it’s made of eighteen karat gold and the screen is surrounded by diamonds. If you wondering why someone would need a Gameboy worth more than their life, don’t hold your breath because I don’t have a legitimate answer for that.
Now that your games on-the-go are prompting more and more people to rob you, you’re probably wondering how you can possibly afford an actual game for your golden brick. I can’t answer that but Aspreys of London does have the decency to toss in a few games free of charge. But really, what game is so good that it warrants a semester of college tuition to play?
One of the joys of childhood is pretending to drive in a giant hunk of plastic. But who’s satisfied with those Mattel lemons? You might as well drive your little Jeep straight into oncoming traffic because the frozen embrace of death is all that can comfort you after such an embarrassment.
But if you love your child enough to drop forty-thousand dollars on a single toy, the Junior Off-Roader is for you (and you’re most likely Scrooge McDuck, but I digress). The Off-Roader is so absurdly close to an actual automobile that it should require a license to drive: a fiber glass body, protective frame,hydraulic disk breaks, rack and pinion steering, emergency break, rear front suspension, and adjustable leather seats. You may also recognize those things as words your child is unfamiliar with and thus can’t appreciate, but that won’t stop them from running down neighborhood cats in this pending lawsuit.
Perhaps the craziest feature of the Junior Off-Roader is its speed; this toy reaches thirty miles per hour. Think about that: in what situation would a child need to be going that fast in your driveway? The only reasonable answer is “to joust other children,” but unless your neighborhood is filled with the rich and beautiful this is going to be a terribly one sided event.
Do you think that forty-thousand dollars is too much money to drop on your child’s entertainment? Do you think that a seven year old is too young to understand the importance of road safety? Are you of the belief that those who obey gravity are quitters? If you answered “yes” to one or all of these questions, the Levitating Hover Scooter is for you.
Hovercraft technology has existed for years but so rarely do these exciting developments in moving things find their way into the hands of those who can’t possibly understand the physics of how they work. A fan lifts the device a few inches off the ground and allows for speeds of up to fifteen miles per hour, meaning you’ll be behind and slightly above the Junior Off-Roader during your awesome science race.
According to the manufacturer’s website, no previous hover scooter experience is necessary. That’s a good thing, because I’m pretty sure the market on these things is fairly limited. It’s also recommended for ages sixteen and up, making it less of a toy for children and more of a means for teenagers to loiter on the boardwalk without actually touching the boardwalk.
Some kids aren’t hungry for Dunkaroos or Lunchables. They’re hungry for justice.
What practical uses can a child have for a six foot tall fiber glass fictional crime fighter? Plenty! For one, Batman makes an awesome father figure. His strong sense of right and wrong and fondness for breaking the noses of the wicked can serve as a moral compass for your bastard child when you’re too busy to give much of a damn.
Second, it can potentially instill your child with fear. Was he caught swearing at school? Bullying neighborhood kids? Stealing levitating hover scooters? Just introduce them to the iron fist of Gotham City and soon they’ll be an upright God-fearing citizen with weak bladder control.
Finally, it can teach your child the value of a well sculpted human being. I mean, just look at those abs:
Meow. There’s a guy who owns an AbRocket. And are those the infamous Bat-Nipples I see? Those things could cut diamonds. For only five thousand dollars you too can forever confuse and scar your child with this beloved comic book icon.
So, you’re at the end of your rope. Your kids hate Gameboys, driving, hovering, and the winged-justice. It seems like your Christmas is going to be filled only with tears and hissy-fits. At this point your holiday can only be saved by asking yourself two questions: do you really love your child and, if so, how deep are you willing to get into debt to satisfy them. If you answered “yes” and “balls” respectively, get ready to bounce a check on a domestic 3D simulator for your favorite money pit.
At the totally reasonable price of three-hundred thousand dollars your child can experience the terrifying world of the third dimension in the comfort of their own home. This device is billed as the ultimate computer experience that makes the Xbox look as appealing as a broken VCR in comparison. The simulator lets you experience different scenarios from a first person perspective such as slot car races, roller coasters and space flights, all things you could probably afford to do in real life (otherwise known as 3D.1) had you not dropped several thousand dollars on a sexy Batman statue. Well, all except the space flight thing. You probably can’t buy your child into NASA, though you’re welcome to try.
It’s not unreasonable to assume that most people reading this can’t afford a 3D motion simulator. If you were some sort of millionaire you’d be living inside the Internet a la Tron instead of surfing it on your lunch break. If your child is bored with reality you can still give them a lick of that sweet brass ring; the simulator can be found in FAO stores in both New York and Las Vegas and can be experience for only five dollars.
Author: Ben Dennison — Copyrighted © roadtickle.com