9 Strange Alternative Smokes

In case you didn’t know it, we have recently observed a new national holiday. You probably didn’t get the day off work unless you took it yourself, because your boss missed it too. National Stoner Day was on 4/20 (guffaw here, dudes!). Now, given the still illegal status of pot in most places, you might have to get creative in order to participate. So let’s examine some other things that somebody somewhere has spent time, money and effort smoking. Keep in mind that no endorsement is stated or implied. OK, fire up!!

1. Cloves

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Clove cigarettes were recently made illegal in the United States as part of new regulatory powers given to the FDA. This is due to the flavoring and not to any greater health concerns. In fact, clove cigarettes were invented by Java resident Haji Jamahri in the 19th century as a means of soothing his asthma. And now because they are taxed less than so called “white” cigarettes, cloves dominate the market in many Asian countries. This may be a good thing for them, as we will see later.

2. Tea

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Ok, green tea is legal just about everywhere and you can buy it boxes at the grocery store that are a little bit psychedelic. It probably isn’t cool to say the brand name, but look on the high shelves to find it. Why would you smoke tea? Well, it appears that stoners running short on cash will mix it in with weed when the stash starts dwindling. Did it occur to anyone to investigate the correlation between stoners and lack of cash? But what you really want to know is if the stuff will get you high. The evidence is inconclusive, with some users attributing tea LEAVES with a true “chill”. You have to remember to smoke the leaves and not just rip open a tea bag. The good news is that it shouldn’t do you any harm other than the normal oxygen deprivation experienced with any kind of smoking. Let’s move on to something that is more of a sure thing in the psychoactive department.

3. Salvia

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Salvia is grown in the Mexican state of Oaxaca and has been used for centuries by healers and shamans. It is also called the Virgin Mary plant and treated by its historical users with great respect. The effects are said to be very hallucinatory, and in many cases not pleasant. This is no party drug, but that’s not stopping the nanny state. Based largely on a teen suicide in Delaware, 18 states have now criminalized salvia possession and use. It’s still legal somewhere, but why hassle with it? Pot is illegal too, but you usually know what you’re getting. If you wanna be cutting edge, why not try this…

4. Catnip

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Research conducted by watching cartoons on TV tells us that catnip, a member like salvia of the mint family, produces pleasant sensations in felines, but what about in homo sapiens? The evidence is mixed; it is claimed that catnip tea eases menstruation, but if you’re a guy that isn’t really a plus. The experts consulted at various stoner sites say that catnip is okay if it is blended with tobacco. Now what’s the point in that? Others report out-STANDING results, my man! Hard to know the truth unless you fire it up. I bet you will be the first on your block.

5. Cornsilk

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Way back in the olden days when people still worked and lived on family farms they needed some recreation. Going into town was inconvenient and money was scarce, so the kids then improvised just like kids do now. They smoked cornsilk. It’s hard to separate when you’re in a hurry to get your burn on. It’s hard to know how much to use. It’s hard to get the spliff to fit nicely in your hand, and guess what? It doesn’t really work, at least not for devotees of 4/20. On the plus side, it may reduce bedwetting. Dry sheets rule, so pass it on over, Clem!

6. Banana Peels

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The trick to getting at bananadine, the psychoactive component in bananas, is to scrape the inside of the skins of twenty pounds of the fuckers, boil them down, bake them and get ready for the love-in that’s sure to follow. That’s just what they did in Berkeley in the 60s, right? Wrong. It was all a hoax. The notion of bananadine first appeared in William Powell’s The Anarchist Cookbook. Powell now renounces the book, praying aloud on amazon.com that it be removed from distribution. So the Dead Milkmen were wrong? You could try it anyway, but would the high be worth the weeks you would have to spend smelling like Gramma’s special banana bread?

7. Wild Lettuce

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This plant is a cousin of the variety you find lying on your dinner plate. Apparently the sap drawn from the roots looks and smells like opium. In fact, many vendors market the resin as “lettuce opium”. It is indeed smoked and there appears to be limited hallucinogenic effect, boosted by the user’s expectation. No pharmacological basis exists for the high, so ya gotta believe. It is also claimed that lettuce opium contains anti-oxidants, which will serve as great cover for Grandpa to smoke up. Good thing that you can get somebody to milk the sap for you. Still, wouldn’t it be easier and cheaper to just go and find some bud?

8. Rabbit shit

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I was gonna throw this in just to see if you were paying attention, but looky here! It seems that over 2 million dollars worth of cigarettes packaged for Spanish sale in fact contained rabbit droppings instead of tobacco. I’m sure this made the Indonesians glad that they smoke cloves. This smoke is almost certainly toxic, so do not attempt it, even in jest, even to mess with your kid brother. However, it looks like rabbit droppings make great fertilizer for everyone’s favorite illicit herbaceous burn.

9. Fake Pot, AKA K2

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K2 is a synthetic cannabinoid created by Clemson chemistry professor John Huffman in the nineties during medical research into brain chemistry. It is interesting to note that Huffman disavows his creation. He denies any intent to produce a new high. In fact Huffman has been quoted as saying that those who use K2 are idiots. The chemicals are sprayed onto whatever herbs the manufacturer uses and then are sold in packets costing $10-$20. There is a definite high according to users, but the effect is said to be milder than that of marijuana. And you knew this was coming. After a raid of a store in Kansas last year, the onslaught is on in several states to make K2 illegal. As in the case with salvia, it may be a case of get it while you can, if you think that it is worth the trouble.

Did anything in the above list catch your fancy? Well, consider this. It’s altogether likely that marijuana will be widely decriminalized sometime in the next twenty years. Even now, if you keep only enough for personal use and just MAINTAIN, you will stay out of legal harm’s way. Just think how embarrassing it would be to get busted for rabbit shit. In the meantime, to borrow a line from a song, it’s 4:20 somewhere.

Author: Nick the Knife — Copyrighted © roadtickle.com