Five Career Colleges Gone Bad

Surely you have seen the ubiquitous internet ad about going back to college. You know, “Obama wants mothers to go back to school.” It may even be on this page right now. But just because someone is pretending to toss free money at you doesn’t necessarily mean you’re cut out for higher education. What tips the scales here is that the for-profit diploma mills are salivating at the prospect of funneling all that Obamacash straight through you and into their coffers. You know the scam, admit it-“Givemedough College can get you a degree in criminal justice in eighteen months!” Meanwhile the television ad shows some clean cut person working at a computer tracking down Wall Street villains. The truth is that you might get a job in mall security with such a degree if your uncle owns the mall. Since they have been largely discovered in this the schools really need to dumb things down order to get the largest number of victims, err, students. So please find below this list of career colleges that ANYONE can attend.

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This institution is located in Newark, New Jersey and is indeed owned and staffed by members of the Soprano family, and though they aren’t connected with the fictional HBO mob, who’s to know? It caught your eye didn’t it? The school offers no degrees but promises to “make you a part of the thriving underground cash economy of the Garden State.” Introductory courses teach “emergency vehicle starting techniques”, “freelance merchant security”, and “personal loan consulting”. Students who perform well in hands-on internship can advance to such topics as remote waste management, gaming and wagering environment hosting and finally to new student recruitment. The tuition for new students is financed by the school in the rare case of government loan denial, but be forewarned-ASJAST does not take kindly to late payments or defaults.

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Tired of hearing and seeing ads urging you to make “quit your job money” and own your own business? This online school is a clearinghouse for every manner of personal financial pitch made over the past one hundred years. Students can choose from:
No Money Down Real Estate- (yes, you can do it even with bad credit!)
Success the Diamond Way- (the US Government certifies that this IS NOT an illegal pyramid scheme.)
Internet Magic-Make money while you sleep by spamming all your soon to be former friends with constant pitches for countless products using the world’s preeminent social networking sites.
The school will help students tailor an individual program, but switching to another course will incur new tuition. New World University cautions its community that results are not guaranteed and that your success depends on your ability to alienate everyone you ever knew or hoped to know while learning to “quit your job” and live on the average of $114.63 per month earned by graduates of the program.

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This college, located in Hollywood, Nebraska, boasts a faculty full of minor celebrities, all assembled to help you make it onto the TV talent show of your choice. Learn real life lessons from William Hung (American Idol), Sinbad (a loser on the old Star Search) and that fat chick from Dance Your Ass Off. The curriculum includes field work at every karaoke bar still open along Interstate 80. Hung lectures on the aggressive confidence needed to endure the derision of millions. Sinbad teaches you what to do with what’s left of your money after spending it all working on your appearance only to be dismissed by a judge who’s own standup career foundered when his one catch phrase went face-palm after six months, and now has this gig only because his mom snapped an incriminating photo of the producer with a former member of some boy band whose name we forget. If you still want to try out after the eight month program and the tuition hasn’t taken your entire bankroll, an extra semester will teach you how to snag an appearance on daytime shows such as Montel, Jerry, or Maury. And if all else fails, placement director and former rap star MC Hammer will drive you to a few auditions. After all, he’s not doing anything.