Let’s be honest here, we are going to have to suspend our disbelief any time we go and sit down to watch a horror movie. How many horny teens will be needlessly slaughtered before they realize they should stop going to summer camp? How many bullets will they pump into the giant, William Shatner-mask wearing psycho before they realize that just won’t kill him? We could sit there second guessing everything the people on screen are doing, rolling our eyes and laughing, but typically we just accept what we’re seeing and go along for the ride. But in some cases, well, even we can’t get on board with some of these so called “monsters” they’re throwing at us…
1. Monsturd
Before we really get into this one, take a look at that title. Just really take a look at it, and enjoy the simple beauty of one of the most straightforward plays on words in recent “horror” movie history. Right away you know what you’re getting, don’t you? Well in 2003 this steaming pile (pun intended) hit viewers delivering on exactly what the title promised: a movie monster that is – you guessed it – half man, half poop.
According to the summary on IMDb, this little gem is about a serial killer on the run from the cops who falls into a pool of chemical waste in a sewer tunnel. Naturally, instead of just dying, he comes back as a killer made of feces. You’re probably snickering at that description, and that’s okay, because that’s what the filmmakers were probably hoping for considering this has been promoted as a “horror spoof.” Still, it makes you wonder what kind of twisted people would come up with a movie idea in which a giant pile of poop goes on a killing spree. We haven’t seen it, but we’re putting pretty heavy odds on someone using the word “flushed” when they finally kill the Monsturd.
2. Attack of the Killer Refrigerator
Now we can totally get behind the concept of a refrigerator filled with evil, mainly because that very concept is used in the all-time classic Ghostbusters. Only in Ghostbusters, the fridge was not actually eating people, it was only sort of kind of a little bit haunted and ominous. But in the movie Attack of the Killer Refrigerator, a 1990 movie that no one saw and the actors probably deny ever existed in the first place, the fridge actually goes on a vengeful killing spree.
And why? Because apparently, and again this is according to IMDb, a “group of teenagers get drunk and abuse a hapless refrigerator.” And then the refrigerator decides it’s time for some good old fashioned revenge. Now there are a lot of things we have to take issue with in that description. First, a hapless refrigerator? Is there really any other kind? And second, what the hell kind of one horse town does this take place in where the best thing to do for a group of kids on a Saturday night is get drunk and beat up an old refrigerator? Apparently they don’t have a bowling alley or a movie theater. And even if they did have a theater, they’d still probably be better off beating up a fridge than seeing this movie.
3. Trees: the Movie
Yes, it actually had a sequel.
One of the reasons we accept so many horror movie monsters despite the fact that they are, you know, absurd, is that if they did exist there wouldn’t be many places we could hide. That’s because from zombies to mummies to a killer piñata (more on that in a few moments), none of those things are rooted to the ground. We chose the word “rooted” for a reason, because in Trees: the Movie, the killers are quite literally rooted to the ground. And therefore, they are the most easily avoidable killers in the history of psychotic killing.
Seriously, that forest out to get you? Well don’t go in there, numbnuts! Now apparently this is an homage to Jaws, which is a movie monster that is also pretty avoidable. Seriously, just stay out of the water and you’ll be okay. But homage or not, the idea of trees going on murderous rampages, such as the “Great White Pine” that does in this film seems almost too absurd to wrap our heads around. We only say “almost” because this was not the last time filmmakers would use the concept of foliage with murderous intent. Nope – Sam Raimi and M. Night Shyamalan have each used the idea to varying degrees of success with Evil Dead and The Happening. So in a sense, we suppose you could call Trees: the Movie a groundbreaking film. Or, you know, not.
4. Pinata: Survival Island
On the other hand, it does have a sweet tagline.
Hey, we told you to remember the idea of a killer piñata in that last entry. Did you think we were kidding? And unlike the rest of the movies on this list, Pinata: Survival Island actually features an actor you may recognize. That’s right, former Buffy the Vampire Slayer star Nicholas Brendon apparently refused to go onto bigger and better things, instead opting to make this movie and, more recently, drunkenly resisting arrest and getting tasered by the cops. Oh Xander, how the mighty have fallen.
Anyway, this “film” tells the tale of small village on an island that…wait, you don’t actually care about the plot, do you? You just want to know if we’re serious when we say that the killer is, in fact, a piñata. Well to make a long story short, a giant clay piñata somehow got a whole heaping helping of evil trapped within and on Cinco de Mayo some kids unwittingly unleash the evil, causing a killer piñata to go on a murderous rampage. Ironically, it beats the kids to death with a stick and punches holes in them, presumably while simultaneously saying “how do YOU like it, huh?” and hoping that candy will come spilling out. Unfortunately for the piñata, his only reward is blood, guts, and one of the worst movie concepts known to man.
5. Killer Condom
We’re just going to get right to the point – we don’t know if this is a movie telling viewers that safe sex will lead to a brutal death, if it was conceived by someone who hated penises or was just really stoned when they came up with the idea. All we can say is just look at that movie poster.
What the hell is going on here? It looks like any second a gay porn is about to break out. And according to the synopsis on IMDb, one almost does between the detective working the case and a gigolo who may or may not be a witness. All we can say is that we’re happy that we’ve never seen this, and no, that’s not Arnold Vosloo on the poster.
Author: Jeff Kelly — Copyrighted © roadtickle.com
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