People like to have things that are different; this is why you can get a Volkswagen beetle in half a million different colors. But some people take it a few steps further and produce pets that range from odd to terrifying, seemingly forgetting that these are living things and not just decorations.
1. Giant Breeds
If you want something to be amazing, make it big. Who hasn’t been impressed by pictures of the giant Redwoods in California, or the giant, 120 foot long dinosaurs? How about a 20 pound bunny?
That is a German Grey hare, being held by the impressive gentleman who breeds them. He actually breeds them as food and for their pelts rather than pets, but who wouldn’t want a monster bunny? That is about the cutest monster ever. The man who bred the one in the picture is named Hans Wagner; he sold a bunch to North Korea, the kings of insane supervillain behavior, because they said they would use them to breed with native bunnies to use as food, since North Korea is kind of dumb when it comes to taking care of its people. Instead, they killed all of them for Kim Jong Il’s birthday banquet. Needless to say, he has refused all subsequent requests to buy more.
If bunnies don’t float your boat, then how about chicken?
Jersey Giants are a huge breed of chicken from (you guessed it) New Jersey, and were bred as a turkey alternative. They average between 11 and 13 pounds a piece, and if that doesn’t sound like much, keep in mind that your average roaster weighs in at 2 or 3 pounds at the store. They grow slowly, so they aren’t used by any major chicken producing companies, but they are apparently friendly and make good pets. It has been difficult to avoid any phallic jokes so far, but I will leave you with this; I lost it when I read “the cocks are rarely mean.” I do hear that Ron Jeremy is a pretty nice guy…
2. Hairless Pets
If there is one way to make a pet look like it was hatched out of a nightmare to feed on your soul, that is to breed it hairless. Careful, below is a gallery of fleshy terror:
They are simultaneously horrifying and yet oddly adorable. They are the result of selective breeding, like most different domestic breeds of pets, and although they are very weird, they typically aren’t that much different from their furred versions. Interestingly enough, in the case fo the cats, the lack of fur has a counter-intuitive effect on how much of a reaction they cause in people with allergies. In the case of cat allergies, it is not the dander and fur that causes the allergy, rather it is the saliva. Regular breeds have all that fur to disperse the saliva, so coming into contact with them delivers a less concentrated “dose” of the deadly saliva (I am allergic to cats, myself). “Sphynx” cats wind up with spit all over their bare skin (lick your arm for 20 minutes then see how quickly it dries) and are a cuddly allergy bomb of death for any unfortunate sould who comes into contact with them.
The background of the rat is a bit boring, but the rats themselves are cool looking,a nd rats make great pets. The guinea pigs are likewise pretty normal, except that they actually have to eat more than normal ones in order to maintain their body temperature. I should try using that excuse to justify my fast food addiction. (I could die of hypothermia if I don’t eat a Whopper. With cheese. And Bacon)
3. “Fancy” Goldfish
Believe it or not, but the hairless pets pale in their freakishness in comparison to some pretty common goldfish variations that can be found at most pet stores. They range from a little weird:
To “what kind of God would allow this monstrosity to live?!”:
The goldfish are perfect examples of the dangers of inbreeding (I am completely not kidding, either…) Each variety is the result of generation upon generations of cross and inbreeding in “favorable” traits, like horribly distended abdomens and giant, gelatinous sacks of water under the eyes. The sacks interfere with the fish’s ability to look pretty much anywhere but up, and sometimes, they explode. Granted, they live in a tank, so there isn’t much danger, there, though, right? Well, given the “right conditions” they can live a perfectly comfortable life. That being said, so can cancer patients and people with AIDS, so draw your own conclusions. The good news is that if the bubble gets punctured, they can regrow a new one. I suppose that is like being able to regrow a new appendix. Yay?
4. Genetically Modified Pets
Okay, so technically, all specially bred pets (even beagles and Persian cats) are “genetically modified” in some way; however in this case, I mean less “manipulating which genes are passed along” and more “adding the genes we damn well want there. From an entirely different type of lifeform”. The one real example right now on the market a cute little chimeric abberations called “Glofish”.
Glofish were created in a lob originally, by combining the common zebra danio with the bioluminescence gene from a jellyfish. The original idea was to make a fish that could provide a visual cue when they encountered polluted water. So, the idea was to genetically modify an animal, then place it into an area with pollution… I get the impression the developers have never seen a sci-fi movie in their lives. Instead, they wound up catching the eye of some entrepreneurs who figured tiny glowing monster fish would be all the rage in America. They were pretty dead on with that. They are also registered as a drug with the FDA and had to pass a series of tests to be accepted, since they consider the foreign genetic material to be a drug. The next step will probably be puppies that excrete morphine.
5. Purposely Ugly Pets
So playing God and giant animals aren’t really your cup of tea; you want the mere sight of your pet to trigger and instant “fight or flight” response in anyone who sees it. Some people seem to actually like things uglier than sin; probably due to some sort of childhood trauma, or never getting past the joy some of us feel while chasing a screaming girl with a worm. For the ugly enthusiasts, I submit these two:
Those are a rhino mouse and Chinese Crested dog. The mice are the result of an “unfortunate” genetic condition that comes with skin issues galore, nails that grow unchecked and glandular problems. The dogs actually come from a half-way normal looking breed, but also come with a number of skin and nail issues that can result in the Evil Dead 2 monster on the right. The worst thing about these animals is not that they are ugly; everything is cute to someone. It’s that their lives suck as a result of a mixed bag of congenital birth defects that make them “unique”. Seriously, if you need to have a pet for the sole purpose of scaring the hell out of people, try a tarantula or scorpion, and let the genetic mishaps die gracefully.
Author: David Dietle — Copyrighted © roadtickle.com
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