By now everyone knows about the Rule of 27: It’s uncanny how many influential rock stars died at that young age-Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain and others. At the other end of the spectrum are several of rock’s legendary names who have managed with varying results to survive the rock and roll lifestyle into their golden years. Think along with us as we envision a rule of 72 (more or less) for some of these greats.
1.
Gene Simmons
Chaim Witz was born in Israel in 1949. He changed his name to Gene Simmons as a tribute to a rockabilly singer, and the rest is history. With Stanley Eisen (Paul Stanley), Simmons formed KISS in 1974. The band’s music was hard rocking, but it was almost secondary to its marketing genius, viral way before anyone knew what that meant. There were KISS lunchboxes, pinball machines and God knows what else. When the band’s popularity began to fade they revived it by unmasking themselves and performing without makeup. Simmons’ live in dalliances with divas like Cher and Diana Ross could have shortened his lifespan, but that hasn’t happened. His reality show has gone off the air but Simmons is plotting a kids show with Stanley even now. So how might KISS’s blood-spitting demon buy it? In 2024, at a fiftieth year reunion show in Detroit, we see Ace Frehley’s boot get tangled with Gene’s tongue. Both men plunge from the stage, and since Ace really let himself go, his fall crushes Gene’s neck. The funeral is broadcast live on A&E and Shannon Tweed makes enough money to live in peace the rest of her days.
2.
Keith Richards
The obvious question is why isn’t this guy dead already? He has brushed uncomfortably against prison time for his drug use, he fell out of a tree, cracking his skull, and he may or may not have SNORTED HID DAD’S ASHES! Even after all that Keith Richard(s) keeps rolling on. Talk is on of yet another Stones tour for next year, behind the re-release of the remastered classic Exile On Main Street. Keith has also become a movie star with his role as Johnny Depp’s dad (imagine that!) in the third Pirates of the Caribbean flick. No signs of slowing down here at age 66. What if Keith finally goes on a health kick? The headlines will proclaim in 2015 that Keith mistook his Metamucil for something else and asphyxiated after inhaling way too hard. At least he went out rocking! Mick Jagger is quoted at the funeral that Depp will join the band in a youth movement.
3.
Bruce Springsteen
Bruce Springsteen has not had as wild a ride as Simmons or Richards. Signed to Columbia Records by the same man who found Bob Dylan, Springsteen was a critic’s darling for several years before he found commercial success. He was being called the “New Dylan” and appeared on the cover of Time and Newsweek after releasing Born to Run in 1975. It was in 1984, though, that he entered the national consciousness permanently with Born in the USA. It was an overtly political album and set the tone for Springsteen’s persona since. He mocked Ronald Reagan for misunderstanding the point of the title track. He was married and divorced in the eighties, from which came the excellent Tunnel of Love. Springsteen’s musical fortunes suffered in the 90s, but he rebounded with his induction into the Rock Hall of Fame in 1999. His album about the events of 9/11, The Rising, brought him new acclaim. Springsteen has been very vocal politically since then. He campaigned for John Kerry in 2004 and Barack Obama in 2008. He performed at the Obama inauguration and once again for the President last when year when he received the Kennedy Center Honors. Grammys galore, an Oscar for “The Streets of Philadelphia” and a revered figure in the rock pantheon, how will the Boss bite the bullet? Sources (not the Magic 8 ball!) indicate that the end will come for Bruce in 2020 when he learns that his son Evan voted for New Jersey Republican Chris Christie and not actor turned pol Tim Robbins for President.
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