The Ten World Records (You Don’t Want)

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This one, on the other hand, we can understand far, far too easily. Immolating yourself for fame is a long and well-established human tendency, and we’re assuming that as ways to hurt yourself go, kicking yourself in the head is at least unlikely to cause much damage and as stupid reasons to hurt yourself go, at least a world record somebody might actually care about.

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Yes, somebody, in fact a bored Canadian, established the world record for women kicking him in the sensitive parts. We’re assuming “bored”, actually, but “fetishist” isn’t entirely out of the question. In fact that’d probably make a good angle.

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Congratulations, you have the world’s longest ear hair. As a complimentary award, you get the world’s least attractive human being. Enjoy!

All right, all right, if we’re being fair, these kinds of records, like longest anything hair or longest fingernails, tend to be won by exceptionally religious people, who view cutting their hair or nails as an offense to their god. So they’re doing it to show their devotion to their religion.

Fortunately, they’re far enough away that we can make fun of them without shame. Well, mostly.

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What’s sad is that this record is not held by an eight-year-old boy, but by a grown man who actually belched ridiculously loudly into a microphone. We’re not denying him his well-deserved title. We’re just a little surprised that he won it in the first place, and that he actually wanted it at all.

Seriously, what was the competition for this award? Who even wants this in the first place? There is no way that is going to impress a woman. ANY woman. We’re pretty sure even the most worn-out, booze-soaked, dimwitted barfly is going to take one look at the guy bragging about getting the world’s loudest belch record and think to herself: “I can do better. Maybe not much better, but I still have my self-respect!”

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OK, snails? We get. On the face? We get. Ten seconds, though…what happens? Do the snails burn through your flesh? Does eleven seconds mean Mogwai erupt from the earth? What happens that snails can only sit on your face for ten seconds? And why did some guy only put eight of them on his face. Dude, seriously, stop goofing around and go all out. Put sixteen snails on your face. Put eighty. Strap on a breathing tube and some eye protection, and cover every square inch of your face with the slimy little buggers.

This is a world record, man. If you’re going to go for the gold, go so far over the top even the biggest attention whore will be intimidated and quail at the thought of trying to top you. And why stop at your face? Cover your whole BODY in snails! Hold the record for snails on your body for every possible body part! Including the nasty ones!

Then blast yourself with a hose, and maybe spend some time in the hug box, and walk out refreshed. You have done it! You have proven yourself a true man!

And, well, you know, the snails eat you, no great loss, really. There are plenty of attention whores. Don’t feel bad, you’ll be missed. Just eat something tasty before diving into the snails, OK? Preferably garlic; we want our escargot flavored.

Author: Dan Seitz — Copyrighted © roadtickle.com